*breathes* It is Sunday evening and I am exhausted though it is semi saner in the house… for me. The kids are taking it hard, acting out, screaming and shouting at her, refusing to eat, acting out with each other… its breaking my heart.
I have moments of thinking that I want to give her a chance to be a mother, a nurturing, loving one. I encourage her to spend time with the kids and go as far as suggesting she takes a break and sits with the kids while they read or watch TV. She does for 5 minutes then goes back to re-sweeping the floor or wiping the counters once again. I’m not kidding.
Every morning so far while she sleeps (till noon) I take the kids out on adventures, yesterday was a picnic in the park and this morning to the learning centre and a walk home with secret lolli pops again. The elder kid is really taking it hard, he keeps thinking that everyone likes the younger kids not the older ones, he feels unloved by the one person he craves so desperately to have it from. His mother.
I swear it feels like déjà vu and it hurts me so very deeply seeing it within him.
Since getting here I have often thought that the Puppet Master has given me a chance to make a right in the world through giving them what I never got, by being able to protect them and show them the things that I never had the opportunity of knowing. I fear constantly that I am doing it all wrong, I have never been a parent before but these emotions deep within me are so intense when I see them cling to me in fear, in anger or sadness.
There are no rules in situations like these, who’s responsibility is it to tell the child not to talk to their mother like that? Mine? Hers? I let it ride for a little giving her the opportunity of putting them in their place but tonight I had enough. The kids are hurting but they’re overstepping some serious boundaries.
The elder one is really angry with his mother both for leaving him and also for loving his sister more in his eyes. He takes it out on her by shouting, refusing her food and avoiding her touch, ignoring her and carrying on. I’ve let that ride but I think I am doing him a disservice by doing so. The thing is this kid is so insecure already, by speaking up in front of his sister and mother it could set him back even further.
Sooo (dear diary mode) tomorrow I will have another chat with him about how he talks to her, about his feelings and how he is feeling, remind him again how much I love him and warn him that I will stop him if he does it again, stop him dead in his tracks. But… is not getting your anger out healthy? Is it good to teach a child that manners are good, that you should treat someone that has hurt you so badly with respect? See, there lies a boundary that if crossed can affect his entire life.
I lie with him, I cuddle him, I get his snot on my hands while blowing his nose and go eeeeeew real loud (not feigning) and get him laughing again, I tell him I love him, I promise not to leave him, that I understand and that I am always here to talk to and will always listen.
These boundary lessons fill me with apprehension and uncertainty, what do we teach our children? He is only 7 and impressionable.
Until I figure the boundary out I’m going to talk to him about life, about directing his anger (not at his sister as well but rather at the source) and about the very boundary itself.
When the father gets back I am going to suggest to him that the elder child is not forced to be with his mother for extended periods of time alone. As cruel as that sounds, this little guy is just hurting too much.
To add insult to this poor woman’s injuries I had the talk today, it didn’t go well in the sense that she was totally oblivious to what I was saying, she just smiled then before I could get to the meat the younger walked in.
To add more insult, they’re back to calling me mama.
I’m not a bitch, I know how hard this must be for her and she has calmed down today either out of exhaustion or just acceptance, I don’t know which.
Wish I had a magic wand kaboom kabang
Perhaps my experience with my own mother is to help the elder with his, the abandonment files are never far away, time for me to shake them off and open the covers…