It’s been 7 long years…

7 long long years since I allowed myself to put the proverbial pen to paper… and it feels unnatural to me now.  Sadly it does.

Oh how I have grown yet regressed in so many different facets in  life to the point that now I have to write for sanity, for insanity, for my soul, for my life.

I am going to be once more like a toddler learning to walk as I write down the things that go through my life’s journey both past and present… we shall see what comes out but now this is me forcing my new years resolution as it were…

We shall see.

This is your Awakening…

I used to think that the road we walk is the one that we walk…

When life seems so black and white, when the world feels like it’s crashing down and that the end has to be near because there is nothing to live for anymore. When you sit there with a bunch of pills in your left and a bottle of the finest whisky in your right, believe that it is not the end but that in order to appreciate what is about to come your way you have to hit rock bottom and truly feel it through every ember of your being.

Life is anything but black and white and crawling out of the hell you find yourself in is not going to be easy but the sunshine on the other side is filled with incredible warmth. Hard to believe, but as you surface you’ll find yourself reborn and fresh, ready to take on the world like you would never have believed possible.

The future is a scary thing but once you accept that it is scary and that fate will throw what it will at your feet, when you accept that life will deal you a bucket load of dark times in order to show you just how worthwhile life is. Bullshit though it may seem but truth it is.

You are less alone than you think or believe, there are people in this dark world that will bring you light and healing love if you’d just give them a chance. Believe that they aren’t going out of their way reaching out to you just to turn their backs on you like others have done before. These people can life you out and help you to shine, they can and will give you a hand up but not push you down.

Truth is you are the one that pushes down, you believe with your whole heart that you aren’t worth their time, you are worthless and have nothing to give this world.

Oh how wrong you are, how wrong. The wisdom from experience and the amount of love you have inside you to share with the world can make a difference in others lives. The love you have to give is pure and healing to others that need it.

I know right now you are raw, the deep cuts on your heart and soul are ripping you apart. As you lie in that fetal position praying for the pain to stop, that nothing could ever make it better, that nothing will ever feel right again.

What you are going through has to be felt

This is your awakening

Your rebirth to a life that you were meant to live

Accept fate and understand that rainbows are on the horizon

You are a drop in the pond and the ripples are felt

Push forward, don’t give up, keep fighting

Don’t ever stop fighting

Ever

Your Future Self

Watching it crumble

image *breathes* It is Sunday evening and I am exhausted though it is semi saner in the house… for me.  The kids are taking it hard, acting out, screaming and shouting at her, refusing to eat, acting out with each other… its breaking my heart.

I have moments of thinking that I want to give her a chance to be a mother, a nurturing, loving one.  I encourage her to spend time with the kids and go as far as suggesting she takes a break and sits with the kids while they read or watch TV.  She does for 5 minutes then goes back to re-sweeping the floor or wiping the counters once again.  I’m not kidding. 

Every morning so far while she sleeps (till noon) I take the kids out on adventures, yesterday was a picnic in the park and this morning to the learning centre and a walk home with secret lolli pops again.  The elder kid is really taking it hard, he keeps thinking that everyone likes the younger kids not the older ones, he feels unloved by the one person he craves so desperately to have it from.  His mother.

I swear it feels like déjà vu and it hurts me so very deeply seeing it within him. 

Since getting here I have often thought that the Puppet Master has given me a chance to make a right in the world through giving them what I never got, by being able to protect them and show them the things that I never had the opportunity of knowing.  I fear constantly that I am doing it all wrong, I have never been a parent before but these emotions deep within me are so intense when I see them cling to me in fear, in anger or sadness.

There are no rules in situations like these, who’s responsibility is it to tell the child not to talk to their mother like that? Mine? Hers?  I let it ride for a little giving her the opportunity of putting them in their place but tonight I had enough.  The kids are hurting but they’re overstepping some serious boundaries. 

The elder one is really angry with his mother both for leaving him and also for loving his sister more in his eyes.  He takes it out on her by shouting, refusing her food and avoiding her touch, ignoring her and carrying on.  I’ve let that ride but I think I am doing him a disservice by doing so.  The thing is this kid is so insecure already, by speaking up in front of his sister and mother it could set him back even further.

Sooo (dear diary mode) tomorrow I will have another chat with him about how he talks to her, about his feelings and how he is feeling, remind him again how much I love him and warn him that I will stop him if he does it again, stop him dead in his tracks.  But… is not getting your anger out healthy? Is it good to teach a child that manners are good, that you should treat someone that has hurt you so badly with respect? See, there lies a boundary that if crossed can affect his entire life.

I lie with him, I cuddle him, I get his snot on my hands while blowing his nose and go eeeeeew real loud (not feigning) and get him laughing again, I tell him I love him, I promise not to leave him, that I understand and that I am always here to talk to and will always listen.

These boundary lessons fill me with apprehension and uncertainty, what do we teach our children? He is only 7 and impressionable. 

Until I figure the boundary out I’m going to talk to him about life, about directing his anger (not at his sister as well but rather at the source) and about the very boundary itself.

When the father gets back I am going to suggest to him that the elder child is not forced to be with his mother for extended periods of time alone. As cruel as that sounds, this little guy is just hurting too much.

To add insult to this poor woman’s injuries I had the talk today, it didn’t go well in the sense that she was totally oblivious to what I was saying, she just smiled then before I could get to the meat the younger walked in.

To add more insult, they’re back to calling me mama.

I’m not a bitch, I know how hard this must be for her and she has calmed down today either out of exhaustion or just acceptance, I don’t know which. 

Wish I had a magic wand kaboom kabang

Perhaps my experience with my own mother is to help the elder with his, the abandonment files are never far away, time for me to shake them off and open the covers…

Oi vey

It seems the lesson to be learnt in this life time is in fact confrontation, how to deal with it and stand up for myself. Not an easy one at that.

She walked in to the house like a whirlwind as I said in my previous post except it ended with a showdown of mass proportions within 2 hours.  Totally unlike me but she found a plaster in the corner of the bathroom that one of the kids probably threw there the night before and implied that I never clean the bathroom.  That was the last straw for me after being bombarded constantly with insults upon insults, insinuations and bitchy comments.

A dog marking her territory indeed.

So in a calm but shaky voice I told her that if she had experienced my last two weeks there might also be a speck of dust in a corner or a stray plaster, there might be some dirt on the floor considering that I haven’t swept in a couple of hours, if she isn’t happy with how I run the house she can direct all her complaints in future via the kids father and I will walk out that door till she is gone. 

She started begging that I don’t go, repeating that she isn’t a bad person over and over again.  I went for a walk, sat in the park and prayed to Puppet Master for a reprieve. 

The thing is my current job is not of a nanny at, I do my Amberfiresanity work while the kids are at school and in the evenings and help their father out while he is at work and on the weekends.  I look after the kids yes, I get a small allowance yes but I am self employed period.

After all that happened yesterday, she spent the day cleaning and rearranging all the furniture, she turned to me and said “Can you please clean up the mess in the kitchen after lunch, I have been cleaning all day” in this totally derogatory tone.  I smiled and said sure, I like a clean kitchen.  I did my usual, loaded the dishwasher, threw away the scraps and put the juice away, wiped the counters down and rinsed the sink, swept the floor with all their crumps and then took a floor wipe and wiped up all the spillages of which there is some.

Guess what happened next?

No seriously… guess

She came in and swept the floor again, wiped the counters again and huffed and puffed.  Look I’m a friggin Virgo ok… that should tell you more than I could explain. 

I’ve come to the conclusion she has OCD and I am not making fun of it either, her paranoia has reached new heights (though I think its old heights).  The kids  can’t do anything in case they get bruises, a speck of dust disturbs her to tears, she is compulsively cleaning all the time and she has only been here 24 hours.  No unhealthy food for the kids, no sweets, no chips, no non organic products.  The kids like to leave bubbles from kiddies bubble bath on their skin so that when I wrap a towel around them it goes snap crackle and pop – she freaked out really annoyed and said that their skin will try out and crack.  Perhaps she is right but perhaps kids need to be kids.

So folks today she has stated that we are going shopping, I shall politely inform her that I am not, that I am going to work and clean a bit.  The father normally takes them into town on Saturdays for “their” time, time to reconnect after a hectic week.  I know she is expecting the nanny to go with and carry her organic bags for her but that is where she is very wrong.

She is going to get told today my real standing in this household, lets see how she handles it.  If anything she can stop treating me like gum on her shoe and a servant to do her bidding.

If it weren’t for the kids I would’ve already left.

What the west blew in was and is… multiple broom sticks

Seriously now… MULTIPLE broom sticks… WWW shall be the code name for the next THREE WEEKS ok?

Right so WWW walked through the door gave me a hug and then proceeded to walk through every single room stating that its chaos and that she can see that she has a lot of work to do while she is here. 

Now just for the record I am a Virgo right, this house is as clean as it can be considering that there are still boxes that need to be unpacked but with no place to go or be unpacked to.  Kids playroom is in a state because they keep throwing things around but anyways. The rest of the house? Nice and clean, Virgo style.  Floors are clean, counters shiny, bathrooms clean…

She looked through every cupboard including my own, looked under beds, bathroom cupboards, outside, inside, the bin, the fridge, the pantry, the freezer… everything fucken thing!

She then sits down for some porridge at the spotless counter with her roaming eyes and announces that things will be done her way while she is here.  She will clean while the kids are watching TV, she will cook from tomorrow, she will buy food and that she brought food from America because its cheaper and better.

Note: She is a health freak that only eats organic food, throws the kids sweets away (the kids complain about this all the time) and won’t allow them anything unhealthy in any way.  The elder mentioned that at Halloween he won a bag of marshmellows and some sweets at a house party, when he got home his mama threw it away, it hurt him badly.

The kids asked me last night to stay with them while their Mama is here, I said that I would but I am rethinking this strategy.  I know the kids need and want me here but at the same time I know that this is going to end up in a competition which is the one thing I do not want to happen.

If she feels the need to compete for affection with the kids it will just screw them up more, not temporarily either but permanently.  They will start to feel torn and confused, feel like they have to choose or worse.  From the first 30 minutes… she is the competitive type and wanting to make her place known.

Another note on food: The kids asked me to hide their crisps/chips so that mama doesn’t find them as well as their sweeties… I forgot to hide the sweets but the chips are safe

I am now searching for an eyelash upon my cheek to wish for 3 weeks to speed by, to be able to see the end of this WWW.  My question is this… if she is like this in the first 30 minutes what the hell is she going to be like for the rest of it?

The kids expect me to pick them up from school with their mama, I’ve been told that she will be doing it… poor kiddies no wonder they have been so stressed out about her coming here…

I WANT AN EYELASH SOMEONE GIVE ME ONE QUICK

So folks, it’s me, the WWW, two angels and hidden bags of crisps…

That was this morning it gets far worse but I just dont have the strength to write about it… for now

What oh what will the west blow in…

The kids mother arrives today and by all accounts she is both a mystery and not.  I have heard about her and her ways, how she is and her personality but what state she arrives in only the wind knows.

They are very close to me now and I love them to bits, we cuddle, we love and they make me pull their finger on such a regular basis that it makes me wonder what on earth I should strike from their diet for the ozone layers sake!

The dynamics have changed some what of which perhaps one day I will talk about.  Last night as they lay in bed talking about all the different ways they can make wishes and have dreams they both in turn turned to me and asked me not to leave while their mama was here and then they asked that I stay with them for a gazillion billion million years.

What is going through their head I do not know only that they fear abandonment as much as I did when I was a kid.  Fact.  Their mother left them when they were really little.  My heart breaks for their little sad eyes, their scared apprehensive eyes.

No matter what the west blows in this morning I will stay and fend for them but the one thing I won’t stand for is competition.  If I get a hint of it or if she turns cold because they are so affectionate with me I will be forced to sit her down and have a quiet little chat.

I am apprehensive as well…

What the west blows in we shall soon find out, lets see how sanity survives…

Cancelling my subscription to drama

Its official, the craving is so intense that it seems to overtake everything that is me, my whole entire being, everything that I am… it succumbs me to the point of breaking.  I want to cancel my subscription to Drama with haste, no notice period, pronto zonto.

I don’t like talking about my drama of which there has been more than enough, it bores even me so I can’t imagine the poor souls that read about the megre offerings and dollops I share.  This visa thing is just another hurdle and due to its nature I can’t really talk about it in “open air” as they say but rather just mention it screws everything up to the point that I am once more in limbo without a paddle or a snorkel.

I am actually surprisingly ok with it but the people in my life aren’t, it has upset those I care about to the point that they can’t sleep, they can’t look at me without thinking that I won’t be coming back and the darkened mood steals my energy like a life sapper.  It’s not their fault and I can see where they are coming from but staying positive is what I do, what I have to do period.

Where this year will end only the puppet master knows, whether I have my sanity at the end of it is a totally different question whose answer I can’t honestly tell you.  Sorry for being quiet, for the reflections and the random odd, beyond odd communications at times… this week… it has been one for the books, one of those “gone on vacation to hell” types.

Oh God, I wish someone could tell me its going to be ok, I wish someone would tell me where I will be in a year from now and not have to pull every worn faith string I have in my hands.  Life never works with certainty all that well, I’m not complaining just merely asking for a time out from drama and in its place peace, pure unadulterated peace.

I am free yet constrained by new more exciting leather straps that dig into my heart’s skin.

Oi vey

One step at a time, one step for sanity and another for peace, just one at a time…

If I make little to no sense it is because I am still looking for it myself