*breathes* It is Sunday evening and I am exhausted though it is semi saner in the house… for me. The kids are taking it hard, acting out, screaming and shouting at her, refusing to eat, acting out with each other… its breaking my heart.
I have moments of thinking that I want to give her a chance to be a mother, a nurturing, loving one. I encourage her to spend time with the kids and go as far as suggesting she takes a break and sits with the kids while they read or watch TV. She does for 5 minutes then goes back to re-sweeping the floor or wiping the counters once again. I’m not kidding.
Every morning so far while she sleeps (till noon) I take the kids out on adventures, yesterday was a picnic in the park and this morning to the learning centre and a walk home with secret lolli pops again. The elder kid is really taking it hard, he keeps thinking that everyone likes the younger kids not the older ones, he feels unloved by the one person he craves so desperately to have it from. His mother.
I swear it feels like déjà vu and it hurts me so very deeply seeing it within him.
Since getting here I have often thought that the Puppet Master has given me a chance to make a right in the world through giving them what I never got, by being able to protect them and show them the things that I never had the opportunity of knowing. I fear constantly that I am doing it all wrong, I have never been a parent before but these emotions deep within me are so intense when I see them cling to me in fear, in anger or sadness.
There are no rules in situations like these, who’s responsibility is it to tell the child not to talk to their mother like that? Mine? Hers? I let it ride for a little giving her the opportunity of putting them in their place but tonight I had enough. The kids are hurting but they’re overstepping some serious boundaries.
The elder one is really angry with his mother both for leaving him and also for loving his sister more in his eyes. He takes it out on her by shouting, refusing her food and avoiding her touch, ignoring her and carrying on. I’ve let that ride but I think I am doing him a disservice by doing so. The thing is this kid is so insecure already, by speaking up in front of his sister and mother it could set him back even further.
Sooo (dear diary mode) tomorrow I will have another chat with him about how he talks to her, about his feelings and how he is feeling, remind him again how much I love him and warn him that I will stop him if he does it again, stop him dead in his tracks. But… is not getting your anger out healthy? Is it good to teach a child that manners are good, that you should treat someone that has hurt you so badly with respect? See, there lies a boundary that if crossed can affect his entire life.
I lie with him, I cuddle him, I get his snot on my hands while blowing his nose and go eeeeeew real loud (not feigning) and get him laughing again, I tell him I love him, I promise not to leave him, that I understand and that I am always here to talk to and will always listen.
These boundary lessons fill me with apprehension and uncertainty, what do we teach our children? He is only 7 and impressionable.
Until I figure the boundary out I’m going to talk to him about life, about directing his anger (not at his sister as well but rather at the source) and about the very boundary itself.
When the father gets back I am going to suggest to him that the elder child is not forced to be with his mother for extended periods of time alone. As cruel as that sounds, this little guy is just hurting too much.
To add insult to this poor woman’s injuries I had the talk today, it didn’t go well in the sense that she was totally oblivious to what I was saying, she just smiled then before I could get to the meat the younger walked in.
To add more insult, they’re back to calling me mama.
I’m not a bitch, I know how hard this must be for her and she has calmed down today either out of exhaustion or just acceptance, I don’t know which.
Wish I had a magic wand kaboom kabang
Perhaps my experience with my own mother is to help the elder with his, the abandonment files are never far away, time for me to shake them off and open the covers…
It’s hard for me to read this. I guess I hoped that moving away from SA would be a magic bullet for dealing with people like this.
My heart breaks for those kids.
I don’t know what to say here. I guess I wish someone would stand up to a certain parent of mine, and tell him that… even at the age of 29 there are things that parents can do that completely make you re-evaluate yourself… that make any small insecurities that you may have just blow up in your face… and its those that are closest to you, that love you, they are the ones that have to deal with the fall out.
I think it must be wonderful for the boy knowing that you are there, and that you love him no matter what. And that you are listening and talking and understanding. That is all he needs. Someone who understands – and is there for him. Is there to hold him and to love him when he is feeling all sore and broken.
And I don’t think that the puppet master could have brought those kids a finer angel than the one that they have…. You.
I think boundaries for a child is appropriate; we have taught Hannah that is ALWAYS okay to have feelings, including anger, and to express those feelings. But, not in a disrespectful way, even toward the person you are angry with. It is still appropriate to express them in healthy ways, but ways that don’t hurt you or someone else. However, he is younger than she is, and he is still learning. And for kids, triggers are things that we react to, because we don’t really know how NOT to. To show him the love that you have for him, in spite of that, can only help. But mother plays a role in this also, and the sad part is that she doesn’t see what her children really need. Or, at least she doesn’t actively acknowledge it.
How sad that they have craved that their entire lives, I am sure, and that she just cannot give it……
I grieve for these children, and I am concerned for you. Hang in there honey; take care of yourself in this PLEASE…… even if you have to leave for a bit, the kids will still love you; they trust you and would know that you are coming back……
Sending huge hugs and love to you!!!
Oh, how heartbreaking!
(((HUGS)))
I will pray for you.
My heart is with that kid….but all I am gonna say is, that he is reaaaaaalllllyyy lucky to have you around…! That puppet master does seem to have a good balance and has put you in a place where he knows you will provide what is required there….
I saw this post yesterday and just couldn’t reply to it until I found the right words and it still may come out wrong. I was a child of a VERY messy divorce. It took my parents 1 1/2 years of court battles to divorce and that included “letting” my brother and I “pick” who we wanted to live with. Great of them right?? Let’s see who’s feelings we can hurt more!?!?! It really did shape the way we became and it’s the single most painful thing that still haunts me to this day.
“IF” this were me, AND THIS IS JUST ME, I would fade into the background. I’d be there for cuddles and smooches and bedtime stories but I wouldn’t say a word. No matter what a shitty mother she is, she is the only one those kids will ever have. Be thankful she’s not around much. Once she leaves you can get back to life as normal but this is such a fine line to cross. I really “disliked” one of my parents for many years but I also HATED it if anyone said anything bad about them. You know huns? My feeling is the more they “hate” her, means they have that strong of a feeling and you can’t “hate” someone that much without having a strong feeling for them deep inside. It’s so hard to explain.
She may feel competitive with you and that’s out of guilt. You have to think how this woman feels only stepping into those kids lives “sometimes” and now to see how much they love another woman. No matter what kind of a nut job she may be, this has to sting her.
Be the strong one and be there to pick up the pieces but there is no way I’d get in the middle of this. It’s just has to many repercussions.
My heart is with you and the children.. Will be sending love and light through the ethers..
Hayden I’m coming to realise that there might be no easy breaks in life, I just have to keep readjusting my attitude till it doesn’t seem all that bad.
Jinxie am just speechless, thanks huns but I do wonder about that puppet master sometimes lol HUGS
Vanessa, thanks hun, in all honesty I think her guilt clouds her vision with regards to the kids – but I am working on it and its seemingly getting better… hold thumbs!
Deeps, thanks you, lets hope so!
Joy Thanks for your words, I know and understand exactly what you are saying and I do recognise what is hurting her, Im not insensitive to that and try to encourage her as much as possible to reconnect with the kids. Thanks huns I value your input so much!
Fibi, thanks huns am sending hugs your way, hope you are safe!
Sanity girl. Step back if you can. First, it is not within your power to give this woman a chance to be the mother, number one. She is the sole steward of that. You are there to help out while you try to earn a living with the design studio, right. (I’m still confused but I’m going with this right now)
Second, I understand your motivation but telling them you are never going to leave them? You are going to leave them. You are not their parent. You may always be their friend but you are going to leave them at some point in time–this is a transition work situation for you as you’ve described it. Transition being the key word. Do not overpromise them or yourself.
You can’t right all the wrongs to you or other little ones, but you can bear witness the best you can. It sounds to me like why you are there and what you are doing with these kids doesn’t line up. Maybe I just don’t still understand what the “work” relationship is?
Anyway, that’s my lucy five cents from the cheap seats.
w11kp – I love you!!! You just make me smile…. bwahahahahaha