I have always been told that I am really good with children, that when they come into contact with me they seem to become free and happy, that they connect with me and talk about me for long after. I love children, hearing their laugh and seeing them play fills me with warmth and happiness like none other.
I never wanted a child of my own for three reasons.
When asked when I am having a child or if I want children my standard response was a flat no with a capital N. When they always inevetibly ask why the hell not I would tell them that medically the doctors have said that the chances of me ever having a child are 50/50 if not below. My bulemia and intense sport training that happened during the same period messed up my internal workings, I’m meant to have Ultrasound scans every 6 months on a variety of places on my body but see little point as I don’t plan on having children right.
What I never told them was how intense or great the fear within me was that I would be my parents all over again. The fear of turning into an incarnation of my mother or father settled it deep within me, I will never bring a child into this world and put them through what I went through.
I am still a kid
But…
… the kid is growing up
… day by day I am seeing that I am not my mother nor my father
… that the pressure I put on myself not to be them both keeps me on my toes and stresses me out to the point of breaking
… we may be the products of our youths but who we are as adults is up to us
… having a kid crawl into bed, wrap their arms around you and tell you that they love you calms the storms within
I still can’t see myself ever having a child with my DNA but I have finally come to a place where I can put my fears to rest once and for all.
I am me, I will never be my mother, I will never be my father… we share only DNA not personality, thoughts or soul.
This makes me smile!!!! I am SOOOO glad you’ve realised that you are a unique and beautiful you!!!! And not your mom or your dad!!!!
YAY SANITY!!!
And also my friend, what you are now understanding… is that you know what it was to feel they way you did… and I am sure that you will never do that to your children. Ever. You would never put them through that… because you… well… you truly love and appreciate those around you!!!
Big hugs girl!!! I’m so happy to read this!!!
You don’t need to decide this now, though. You don’t have to decide at the age of thirty if you want or don’t want a child. You do have time, should you want one, and you shouldn’t feel pressure to have one if you don’t.
The important thing is that you do realize that you’re not your parents. That’s good, very good – the fact that you’re aware of yourself enough to make sure you don’t end up like them is what makes all the difference. You make a conscious, incredible effort to be what you want to be, to be who you want to be, and not to let your silly DNA get in the way. My hats off to you, as always, because you’re incredible and you should keep remember the utter truth of this: You’re YOU, your own person with your own values and opinions.
Oh San.. You are so beautiful.. You are you, you are unique, you are special..
You have an innate understanding of who you are and what has brought you to this place.. Trust in that.. Trust in you.. And make the choice based on who you are – not the circumstances surrounding you and not out of fear..
Whatever choice you make will be the right one for you..
*standing up and clapping* This is excellent news. There is a way to stay a kid and grow up at the same time. I’m so glad you see this now. There really is nothing like a child’s face lighting up when they see you or them crawling into bed with you. NOTHING. You are you and nobody else. I’m so glad you see it. I saw it a long time ago but it wouldn’t have done any good to tell you. You had to see it for yourself.
It sounds like you now have a choice whereas before there was only “No”. It is a big difference.
I think it’s wonderful that you have realized you are no one but you. Not mom or dad, but you. Hats off. Children change everything and like SI said, you have time. Whatever you choose it will be right for you.
San, your shining soul is not in your DNA. Neither are your parents. Rotten childhoods cannot be encoded in either one. There is a quote I want to write here for you. Let me go and find it. A thousand hugs to you.
Here it is:
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”Anais Nin
Sweetie, you’re blossoming!
I’m joining Joy in the applauding!!!! It is so great that you see YOU and not your mother or your father. It is a wonderful feeling huh? You’re a terrific human being! *Clappin so hard my hands hurt now*